I was prepared to come home and have to stay in a nursing home for awhile due to that stupid trach, but miraculously I was able to have it removed two days before I came home.  The remainder of my staples were removed, the wound vac was and we were just doing wet to dry dressings, chest tubes were coming out, my j tube came out.  I had a swallowing study and was able to drink water!!!!!!  And slowly start soft foods.  I still had to use a walker for stability and being very light headed when I would be up for very long.

Making deals…I knew the weekend was coming and my husband was coming to visit so early in the week I started bargaining/begging to get home.  I will be honest when I say I came home too soon.  I pushed myself super hard for three days in order to get released and looking back now I would have been smarter to get a little stronger and further along in my recovery.  But at that time all I could think of was home and my kids and I needed to get here.

I called my hubby while he was driving up on a Saturday and told him I was going to be discharged that day.  He said OK, but didn’t believe me.  He was shocked when he arrived and I had dismissal papers.  We had to fill prescriptions there before we left and it took forever and I was stuck in a wheelchair just wanting to lay back down.

Then I went to the front of the hospital to wait for Dale to get the car.  The nurse loaded me in the front seat and put my seatbelt on and we were on our way….it was amazing to leave and it was horrible.  So much pain, feeling each and every bump and starting to panic.  I told Dale we had to stop I couldn’t do this….we made it one hour on the road.  Dale got us a room and he got me settled and went and found something for me to eat.  Then he went to Walmart and bought a twin size blow up bed that just happens to fit perfectly in the middle row of seats of our Tahoe.  We stayed the night, I don’t think either of us slept.  Me from pain and anxiety and Dale from worrying about me needing help.

We got up to leave in the morning.  I went to the bathroom to pee and ended up laying naked on a nasty tile floor when Dale found me.  Panicking and on the verge of passing out.  Dale got that bed situated in the car.  Drugged me as much as possible and got me loaded in and we were off.  I don’t remember the rest of that day except for the best part…pulling in our driveway.  Home.  Nothing sweeter.

My kids, parents, sister, dogs and banners welcoming me home.  Huge stacks of get well cards that people had sent.  My wonderful bed.  I was super emotional and felt like maybe I couldn’t handle this as I was still pretty sick at this point and still on a lot of drugs as well.  Also, the reality of all that had happened and what all  I had lost was starting to sink in.  The beginning of learning how to eat again.  This was going to be just as shitty as the hospital if not worse.  Depression was getting worse right along with my new found panic attacks.