Guilt…guilt for being sick, guilt for not being the wife and mother that I want to be, guilty for no longer being able to work, guilt for receiving disability, guilt for making my loved ones hurt, guilt for needing help to complete simple tasks, guilt for no longer being able to make plans and keep them, guilt for living when others have not, guilt for the pain I have made my kids feel, guilt for it seems like everything.
This is all self imposed and a battle for me to overcome. Am I the best mom and wife that I can be? The answer is yes, but I want to be more and do more for my husband and my kids.
Can I work? No, my health is too unpredictable and I cannot even be reliable to an employer part time. I was fired from a job working from home. Going to Dr appointments and having surgery is a part time job all the time and sometimes a full time job.
Receiving disability? I worked for many years and paid into social security and if I am honest with myself, I was actually eligible for disability years ago due to the severity of my asthma alone, but I still was able to continue working and did not want that. I am now totally disabled. So why do I feel guilty? Mostly because people question me. Are you going back to work? You look great? Why do you have a handicapped parking tag? I was raised that you always look your best. If you see me out and about, I am going to have on decent clothes, my hair done and makeup on. That is a part of who I am. I am also going to tell you “I’m doing fine”. No, I am not lying, I am OK. I am not going to unload my problems and ailments on every person that I run into.
Needing help? Ugh, I really, really hate needing help with anything. It is different to ask for help with something when you are able to complete something on your own and having to have help to complete a task. It is so frustrating and honestly just pisses me off completely. I farmed with my Dad for years and have always been strong and could do anything. I hate being weak, hate needing help and feel guilty asking for help.
Making plans? I get invited to lunch, or a party…I cannot give a definite yes. It is always a maybe, it will depend on how I feel. That is no way to treat people and because of that we only get invited places anymore by close friends and family. After so many cancellations people think you are snotty, not interested or not worth the time and effort.
Living? I see so many others that have been critically ill and did not survive. Why did I make it through my ordeal and why did they not? I believe that is all in God’s hand but I still cannot help but wonder and feel guilt.
So this is one of the huge issues that I am working to accept in this new life.