I have done a lot of looking back since I started this blog and I am sure that there will be more of that as well as I continue to work through all that happened. However, I also want to talk about looking ahead.
Looking ahead is truly what keeps me going and motivated to overcome the challenges that I face. Simple things such as lunches or get togethers with friends, spending a weekend with my husband, taking a vacation, attending my kids activities and simply being here to watch them grow into wonderful young adults.
I also look forward to what most would consider simple things or chores. With the pneumonia that I am fighting now and still recovering from my most recent surgery at the end of May I have not been able to keep my house the way that I want to. My husband and my kids are great at getting everything done, but I WANT to do it. I want to do it the way that I like it to be done. I feel like being at home all day every day I should at the very least be able to keep my own house. I hate not being in control and asking for help. It is also really hard for me to keep my mouth shut and say “can you just do it this way”.
I am also really making a conscious effort to overcome this anxiety that I have developed and the desire to just stay at home all the time. I get excited to go somewhere but then when the time comes I am filled with dread. Not because I don’t want to go, but because I am still fearful of how my body will react in public. Although most people know all of my health issues, it is very different knowing what they are going through to watching/hearing and seeing someone experience it first hand.
I have never been made fun of or treated badly for any of my problems, in fact it is quite the opposite. The feelings that I have are all self imposed and again something I am looking forward to overcoming.