Random thoughts…

As I have been fighting pneumonia for almost a month now, I have had a lot of resting time and random thoughts.  Things that I don’t have a lot to say about but think are worth mentioning.

I get a lot of compliments on how strong I am, that I am an inspiration and how positive I am.  It feels great to hear that others think this of me, but it also leaves me in awe.  There are days that I feel so weak physically and mentally and I worry greatly about becoming a burden to the ones I love.  People tell me that they couldn’t go through all that I have been through, but you can and you would.  I am not saying it would be easy but when faced with a problem I believe it is human nature to fight for your well being and that of your loved ones.  I also try to be positive but I also have some really crappy days too…why me, what next, what did I do to deserve this, will I ever feel “normal”.

Guilt, I have written about this before but it is still something that I struggle to deal with.  I hate that what I have gone through has also hurt the ones that I love.  I hate seeing worry, pain, hurt and sadness on their faces and knowing that my health is the direct cause of their pain.

Every single day, no matter how hard or bad, I do feel blessed.  My husband and my family have never wavered.  They have supported me and cared for me and loved me through the best and the worst.  I have never questioned wether or not I am loved.  I am shown every single day and that is a huge gift.  I only hope that my actions show them as much love as they show to me.

Writing this blog…it makes me feel proud and allows me to clear my head and hopefully will help someone else face their life challenges.  It also scares the crap out of me.  I wonder if people think I am crazy (I probably am) or that I am seeking attention or maybe just thinking I wish she would stop writing this crap.  Am I embarrassing my family or friends.  Who knows, but for now it feels like the right thing to do to get me through this stage of my life.

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