Worry….it changes absolutely nothing, past, present or future. Yet it is so hard to NOT worry. I pray and try to give all my struggles to God, but I still worry. I hate letting something have such an effect on me that I have no control of, but I still lack the ability to let some of these things go.
I have learned a lot of lessons throughout my life to this point. When things are that there very worst and you do not possibly think they can get worse, they can and sometimes do. I also know that even when I have been sure things will not ever get any better they have. Life is truly a series of mountains and valleys. Sometimes I am at the top and sometimes at the very bottom, usually somewhere in between.
I travel back to Mayo Clinic this week and historically these visits are full of information both good and bad. It is the bad that I worry about. My lungs are in the worst shape that they have ever been in. Asthma, COPD, weeks spent on a ventilator, infections, chest tubes, more infections, surgery have all worsened the condition of my already not so healthy lungs. I have had pneumonia, I think 7 times in the last year. My latest chest X-ray are showing increasing fibrosis (scarring) and my most recent pulmonary function test showed a pretty good decline in my lung function as well. This is always perplexing to me as my O2 saturation levels stay high enough to keep me off of oxygen despite the decline. I know that realistically an oxygen tank will become an accessory of mine in the future but I am hoping to put that off as long as possible.
So I sit here and try to figure out why I can’t just let it go and enjoy today…is it because I have appointments this week? I don’t know. I do very well for periods of time living for each day and each moment and finding gratitude in almost everything. Then I fall into this funk of worrying and wondering what the future has in store for me and how long will I get to live on this earth. Why do I have to keep going through all of these trials.
I have to remember that it is not up to me. I could get hit by a car tomorrow and lose my life. We are never promised tomorrow and that is what I have to focus on to get me through these times of struggle. I know that whatever news that I receive that I am fortunate that I will have my husband and all of my family and friends to help me tackle whatever challenges arise.