Dramatic and fast weightless….always sounded like a dream come true to me.  I was very thin as a young adult but as I got married, had children and especially started high doses of steroids for asthma and COPD my weight had ballooned up to 240 at my heaviest,  wearing a size 18 pants and 2X or 3X shirts.

Rapid weight loss is not healthy, nor is it pretty.  By the time that I went in for my diaphragm reconstruction in June of 2016 I was down to around 170 pounds.  I felt super thin already at that point.  After the reconstruction and complications that caused me to lose the rest of my stomach, the weight loss just sped up even faster.

Protein drinks.  Vitamins, minerals and injections to try to keep my nutritional status at an acceptable level.  I have been hospitalized for TPN one time since my surgery.  My body got into a state of almost constant dry heaves.  My mouth was constantly filling with saliva and I was to the point of spitting in a bowl because I could not even tolerate swallowing my own spit.  After about 5 days of this I ended up in the ER.  Nothing that they gave me could stop the nausea or wrenching.  At this point I was admitted and started back on TPN.  After about a day the wrenching stopped.  No idea to this day what caused the episode.  I still have those same types of episodes but they never seem to last more than 24 hours at this point.   They do leave me horribly weak.

In the world that we live in, it seems that the goal is to be super thin and it is equated with good health.  When I do venture out of my house, I always try to look good.  I fix my hair, I put on makeup and try to look like everyone else.  I get tons of compliments now on how great I look, how skinny I am, how jealous (yes, jealous) people are of my size.

These people have good intentions and it does make me feel good to get a compliment of any kind.  BUT it is also sad…it has been hell to look like this and it is still a challenging life everyday.  You have no idea what you are wishing for.  I was alway so worried about my size and how fat I was and hating my body.   There are days that I dream of just being my old self as this new “normal” sucks!  I am gaining acceptance of my new self.

I have been able to stabilize my weight around 125 for several months now! This is a huge success.  Recently I gained 5-6 pounds and was keeping it on and was super happy thinking maybe I could gain a little weight.  Well, it turns out that I had a bowel obstruction.  This was 3 weeks ago.  Now that the bowel obstruction has cleared I am back down to the 125 range.

So I guess this is my new size….crazy to buy clothes that look to me like they should fit a child.  It still amazes me to fold my own laundry.   It is shocking to see myself in a picture or too see myself in a mirror with all my loose skin.

Being this thin is painful!  It hurts to sit in a bathtub, on bleachers, any hard surface.  It hurts to lay in bed on my side because me knees are too bony.  Shaving my legs is a nightmare!!!  I have not successfully shaved my legs without cutting myself in the last year.

On the bright side I have all new clothes and shoes….yes, even my feet are smaller!!!  So grateful for online shopping!!!