Body image

I have thought about this a lot lately and really throughout my lifetime.  I have been super thin and very overweight and everything in between.  Looking back over all those times I realize that no matter what my weight was, I was never totally happy with my appearance because of judgements I placed on myself.

In fact, the only time I can ever really remember loving how I looked was when I was pregnant.  I could eat whatever and whenever without judgement.  I never had to worry if my stomach looked fat and the feeling of a baby growing inside you is like nothing else.  So at my heaviest being pregnant was the happiest that I felt with my body and nobody judges you for your giant belly sticking out.  People tell you how cute you are and ask you wonderful baby questions.

I am the thinnest now that I have ever been as an adult.  I am 5’9″ and hover around 125 pounds.  Borderline underweight.  The good part about this is that I can pretty much wear whatever I want to, I can sit in an chair and be comfortable, people compliment me endlessly on how great I look, how skinny I am.  So I should be really happy right???

No, because I still see all things that no one else sees.  You might look at me and see a size 0 or 2 jeans and an xsmall shirt but I look at myself and I see the loose skin above my calves, the swinging, hanging skin under my arms, the ruined skin on my stomach that is wrinkled and squishy.  The wrinkles that are more apparent on my face with weight loss.  My thinning hair from lack of proper nutrition.

The thing is that for me at least, I have a “picture” in my mind of what I look like.  When I was fat it was shocking to see myself in a picture and realize that I was that big.  I never felt that big.  Now I walk by a mirror or see myself in a picture and cannot believe how thin I look.  And instead of thinking I look great, I look at myself and question wether or not I look sickly.

My point is that you need to learn to love yourself and the way you look no matter what your size.  I never place the faults that I see in myself in others and never think he’s fat, she’s skinny, etc.  I think that in the end it is the person that you are on the inside that resonates out and makes you beautiful.

I am learning to accept and love my skinny, wrinkly body and I feel super blessed for all that it has been able to fight and recover from.   The only way that I really long for my body to look now is healthy.